something strange happened saturday. as i was taking my written photo final and answering questions about histograms, equivalent exposures and color casts, i realized that i didn’t really care at all. i’ve know for at least a year that photo hasn’t been what it used to be to me, but i think it just took me some time to figure out that i’ve never really cared about the technical ascepts of photography. 

i’m the type of “photographer” (and i use that term loosely) who loves walking around and shooting things to appeal to me. i don’t generally love the photos that others tend to love. i don’t like photoshop. i like the simplicity of photos that aren’t altered. while i admire people who enjoy doing this and are good at it, i’m just not one of those people. believe me, i have tried to be.

i loved black and white darkroom. i loved color darkroom. and i was really good at both. i loved devloping my own film and smelling like fixer all the time. darkroom relaxed me. 

editing photos on a computer doesn’t feel like that to me.

i think what i’m getting at is that i’ve solved a mystery. i’m not the kind of photographer i thought i was. i’m not even sure if i can be considered a photographer. i don’t really know what makes you one, so i’ll leave that alone.

what i do know is that i spent a lot of time in my late teens trying to be someone completely different than who i really was. i sucked at photo in high school. i didn’t even really like it. i read a lot and wrote even more. i believed in god and prayed every day. i used to cry in church when we worshipped. i thought god was real. i thought i loved “him” and understand the religion i was raised to believe. 

clearly i’ve changed. there are a lot of people and events to thank for that. chicago, chelle, lauren, life, victory and myself just to name a few. i try very hard to wake up every morning with little regret because every choice i’ve made was important and significant and it led me somewhere. 

so i think what i mean is i don’t have to force myself to like photography or be good at it. i don’t have to be stylish or outgoing. i don’t have to being anything, really. most of all, i don’t have to try so hard. being myself should just come naturally, so i’m going to let it. 

cheers. january 2012.

someone stole my iphone. valpo, IN. january 2012.

perfect couple. valpo, IN. january 2012.

jesus. valparaiso, IN. jan 2012.

self portrait. valparaiso, IN. jan 2012.

cuddling w/ magic. south bend, IN. jan 2012.

hanging w/ peter. chicago, IL. jan 2012.